Moving moving moving.  Today is moving day.  And the landlord tells me today that I can't smoke in the apartment.  Great.  It doesn't really matter because I don't smoke that much.  Only when I'm drinking. And it's spring and I want to quit smoking any way. I have another appointment with my doctor for that reason.  I hung out with Mel and Jason on Friday.  I went to Mel's restaurant and Hung out there until she was done, then we came back for one last hurrah here at the office.  I completely ignored Jason, didn't speak to him at all.  I suspect I won't see much of either of them in the future.


And, since I have no computer of my own, I won't be seeing any internet either.  Bye internet it was nice to know you.

I taught whmis to my construction workers yesterday. I kept them on track and got through all the course material in time so I could go do my photo shoot.  Then most of them hung out and drank beer and laughed about stuff.  I was very happy that one of the guys who has taken Whmis 3 times before said that this is the first time he understood why he needed to know about whmis.  He always thought it was bull shit.  And me...I'm sad,

I know that I will never ever be with Jason again.  And one week ago we were so close.

Hope is in fact the first stage of disappointment.  So despite all the fun we had and the connections and the intensity.  He made his choice.  I absolutely have to have to step away from both of them.  Leave them to their stuff.

So I talked to Jason yesterday.  They are getting back together.  He of course hates the fact that me and Mel are friend.  So.  Although it breaks my heart I'm going to not talk to him any more.  I mean any more than hey howsitgoin.  I'm off the roller coaster.  Ya  I say that now.

So this week, I have to go to the house I used to live in and help my old room mate organize the shed, and collect anything I've left behind.  I'm going to stay over and watch American Idol.  Tomorrow I'm teaching whmis at my union, then home to pack my shit here, Thursday I'm teaching whmis for Mowder Construction and then I'm in a photo shoot, immediately after.  Thank god it's close by.  I'm hoping to be able to move some stuff into the new apartment then too.  I really need to go see the new land lady.  I don't have all of my rent yet, but by the 20th I'll have first and last to give her.  I told Jeff I'd be out by the 15.  Which is Sunday.

I'm so freaking bored right now.  Jeff hasn't given me any new tasks since this is my last week.  I guess I could work on my resume.  I'm packing too.  When I moved in September I hired movers.  When I moved to the loft I moved by street car, this time I'll be walking everything over.  Yee haw.

I'm still full of anxiety about the Mel/Jason.  I still don't know wtf.  I'm just waiting until 4 when I can call him at work and see what the dealio is.  If they got back together, I absolutely absolutely will stay off his crotch, and keep my mouth shut.  And if they didn't I will actually tell her the truth about me. All of it.

Stupid Facebook  Stupid high school.  Stupid people reminding me of all the stupidity I thank god repressed.  I think that's where my fibromyalgia came from.  GARGH.  IT WAS 15 years ago people!

Stupid stupid anxiety.  I think I need some medication for my fibro.  My eyes hurt weirdly.  Just the pupils hurt. And it feels like some one is trying to pull them out.  Just the pupils though and not my entire eye.  Also, this anxiety that makes me feel like I'm going to collapse inward.  Which actually, may be due to the drama I'm too involved in.  But I can't tell.  That's the worst thing about fibro is not knowing which is actual pain and which is nerve endings with the wrong messages.  But at the moment the anxiety is horrible.  And in all reality the Jason/Mel thing is kind of not that big of a deal.  I mean, my dishonesty is a big deal.  But in the grand scheme of things, I don't really count.  Like I said before, I've had my deal with him for a long time and as wrong as it is for me to be dishonest with her, it would also have been wrong for me to tell. I can't interfere.  DIRGE.  I want beer. Beer now there's a temporary solution.  Then I can make up all kinds of more ways to lie to myself.

Then maybe I'll call teh cutie  met last at Ivy's.


I do like chefs

Well, no one called with my cell phone.  I asked my friend for his old one and he's going to bring it over today. 

I totally meant to come clean to Mel yesterday, we went out for breakfast but then Jason called her to meet up and talk about shit.  So, I kept my mouth shut.  She was supposed to come over after, but she didn't.  So.  I don't know.  I'm sure i'll hear everything over the next day or two.  Whatever.  I just want whats best for everyone involved.

I need a personal assistant to hold all my things.  I lost my phone last night.  I'm pretty sure I had it when I left where I was at.  I think I dropped in the cab on the way home.  FAWK!  I actually hated that phone because the battery wouldn't hold a charge but alllll my phone numbers!  So sucks.  Plus the fact that I pretty much communicate by text message.  I'm lost today.  I don't want to leave the house in case some one finds it and calls. (I put this number on my answering machine)  I'm pretty sure I didn't meant to stay out so late last night.  In fact I know I didn't.  So I also need my personal assistant to sort of manouver me around and get me home before I turn into a pumpkin (or gutterslut)

Wow.  It's been so long since I've had the boyfriend experience I forgot how wonderful it is.  All the hand holding and little kisses.  Now I really don't know what to do.    fawk.  Problem being that I totally love him. Nights like last night make it worse.  He and I love the same things and have the same values in terms of family and what not.  He even loves goats as much as I do.  I want to have my own spa and he wants to open a bed and breakfast, (with goats)  he also like bees, and thinks chickens are funny.  These are not the qualities I tend to find in the general populace.  He and I had a lot of drama in the last year and a half, but I can't not forgive him.  I really don't hold anything against anyone.  I figure we all have our lessons to learn in life and most lessons are not about rainbows.  So, theres nothing to forgive because I don't think he did anything wrong.

But.  Mel.  How can I tell her that the night I met her I was wearing her boyfriends jacket, and that he was/is my boyfriend too.  That when she climbed up my scaffold to see my "room" Jason's pants were there but she didn't notice them.  That the leather cuff of Jasons she had on one night have my initials written in a secret place.  That me and Jason really can't stay away from each other no matter how much we have fought, he will always call and I will always go.  I miss her though. And more than any thing I hate really really hate myself for being the slightest bit dishonest.  Jason says he's going to patch things up with her but that they can't have a relationship.  But that he wants to have her in his life.  I'm nervous because I know that I'm actually going to have to explain the whole thing to her and that she's going to be really really hurt.  Not by what Jason's done, but by what I've done.  I mean anything that transpired before I met her, doesn't count.  But ummm Valentines day, and when she went to Hamilton....ahhh ya.  I am totally in the wrong for that.  Dirge.

Oh I'm so silly.  I have all these physical ailments that I'm usually pretty good about taking care of.  To the point where I'm basically in denial that I have them.  Asthma is one of them, then I never actually have a puffer when I need one.  The other is Fibromyalgia.  Which I manage with diet, exercise and weed.  Yesterday I started having fibro pain again, I haven't had it in a long time, but it was so much I wanted to cry.  So I looked up the fibro thing again and theres a lot more information about it on line then there used to be.  I was diagnosed 4 years ago, when it was still one of those "silly" diseases.  And because of that I really don't like to talk about it.  But then, when I'm having what I call a "spell" no one understands what's wrong with me. Why I can't speak properly or why I can't remember your name even though I've known you for years.  I think this is the worst spell I've had ever.  And the worst part is, that until I got the pain yesterday I didn't even relate my cognitive issues to the fibro.  I thought I had some kind of silent stroke.  But looking at the new info that's availble...it's all fibro.  And the reason for my spell is that I'm not sleeping properly.  Sleeping on creeky scaffold will do that to you.  Or the couch.

So since I can't remember where my hand is, you can imagine how this has affected work.  I'm glad I quit, but I wish I had realised that my fibro was acting up long before this, just so I could help my boss understand.  i sent him some info about it last night.  I just hate the thought of losing his respect, like I know I have.  He has definately contributed to the problem with his poor communication skills, but thats a really bad excuse.

I made sure that I slept last night, but I know I'm not getting that deeeeeep sleep that I need.  I'll go to PFL practice tonight and work out which will also help alot.  Merg.  I just feel so guilty.

Hrmmmmm.  Yes everyone told me to not hang out with Mel that it was asking for trouble.  But I couldn't not know her because she's so awesome.  Now I'm kind of caught.  I can't stay away from either of them.  Mel came over for Idol last night and then I drove her downtown and picked up Jason.  So I just won't talk about them to each other.  I know how much she feels hurt by him. And I feel bad.  But at least she knows what she is dealing with now.  or not dealing with anymore.  And I must say it's been nice for me to hang out with him on his own the last two days.  But I already miss our little gang.

So strange.  Both Mel and Jason showed up at my place seperately to get away from each other last night.  They came at the same time.  So Jason left, and Mel and I went for a beer.  I think I made her feel better about things.  Then Jason started calling and I told her I was going to go see him.  Then Walter called, so she went there, I went to Jason's.  Where I got the down low.  The door knocker?  A girl from his jesus past.  Actually, she was his "girl friend" when I met him.  She's been away, but I guess now she's back.  So he and I had a good talk about things.  Mel will be glad to know the things he said.  If she doesn't hate me for staying so long there.  Walter called and gave me shit for not coming back to get her.

Dirge.  I hope this all works itself out.

gargh.  I think I'm going to quit my job.  I've been fucking up so much I think he wants to fire me anyway.  I'm just not an office person.  Or a 5 day a week 9 to 5 person.  Film will start up soon.  I'll find something else.  I have faith in the universe.  Hey the universe (aka Betty Clocker) seems to have found my silver skull pendant!  My most precious possession.

I'm kind of fucked up about the Jason/Mel thing.  Thats a weird thing.  I can't believe they broke up. It was over the door knocker.  There goes all the fun the three of us had together.  Well, me and Mel will still have fun together.  She'll probably come stay at my new place for a bit when I move.  I'm really happy about my new place.  It's the kind of place I've been looking for for forever.  All mine.

Oh spring.  rebirth, renewal.  Change is good.  Although I think I'll be changing back to film Zoe.  I miss my life.

So that was an interesting weekend.  I went to Windsor on Friday to fight.  I lost as usual.  The girl I was fighting takes it way more seriously than I do and it got a little rough.  Oh well.  When I got back I got an email from my boss saying that my living situation wasn't working out (which I agree with) so I immediately got on the horn and started looking for a place.  I knew that Mel's boss had some kind of basement apartment for rent, so I went and saw her and made arrangements to see it that night.  I took it.  I like the apartment and it's all good so I will be moving in two weeks (again)  Then me and Mel walked a bit before deciding to go to the Duke of York, a real dive bar in our neighborhood.  We had texted Jason to let him know where we were and initially got no response until about 1 am.  He finally showed up but was weird.  We all went back to his place for the usual singing extravaganza but instead of dancing it was guitar playing. Jason's phone kept ringing.  At 4 am some chick was banging on the door.  Me and Mel were like WHAT? but we let Jason deal with it, we left the room.  I don't know what happened with the door knocker, but she must have left.  I crashed on the couch eventually.  I got up around 3pm and made my way home.  Mel was at my door by 4.  Jason gave her the boot.  Weird. I'm actually more confused than ever.  They only had like 20 minutes between me leaving and whatever transpired between them.  Meh.  I guess these are the things that make life entertaining.

So I didn't make it to PFL practice after all.  I was on a compassion mission for my friends wife who is going through chemo, and I had to wait for the goods to be delivered.  So, I was at Jason's restaurant for this task, he invited me.  I met his Mum and his Sister.  Who invited me for easter dinner in Shelburne..  LOL!  They are super nice.  So then after they leave, (I'm still waiting for whatever) I finally notice these two girls sitting at the bar, and yep....at least one of them is one of Jason's conquests.  So.  Since it's not just me that he is "having fun" with I don't feel guilty any more.  I feel bad that he is such a doorknob he doesn't just own up to his behavior.  I know a couple of people in open relationships, and actually all the people I know in that situation are happy with it. So it is possible.  But it requires absolute honesty at least to yourself. I am monogamous by nature, I'm just not interested in anyone else when I'm involved but I don't feel it necessary to prevent any one else from doing what they want to do.

I did feel bad about the girl at the bar last night.  She did eventually notice that I kept going to the kitchen and Jason's way of talking to me.  I even said to Nick the bar tender "you must be perfectly entertained all the time" and the girl kind of shot me a curious look.  Then I laughed and went to the Kitchen.  I wonder what it's like to bee Nick and see everything.  Especially the Mel/Zoe combination.  Well.  whatever.  I'm entertained and I'm so happy to have met Mel however she came into my life.  I can't wait to start learning guitar.

I picked up my low rider bicycle from the bike shop yesterday, I got a new handle bar stem and new pedals, then I went for a cruise around the 'hood.  Life is better on a lowrider.  You can't go fast so you don't even think about it.  On my mountain bike I always feel like I should be pushing and pushing cause I know theres more energy stored in them thar gears.  Today it's supposed to be like 20 degrees!  I think after work I'll pedal down to cherry beach and see if they have started cutting down the trees yet.  (booooo urns)  oh wait I think I should go to PFL practice.....since they added a tuesday and since I've not gone for like two weeks.

I guess I need to talk to Jason and really sort out this situation.  I really really love Mel.  She's awesome and a good friend.  However, I have also been dating Jason for a year and a half.  Longer than she has.  He and I have always had a non-monogamy clause so it's not like he's cheating on me.  It's not cheating.  But he's cheating on her.  I love Jason.  I can't imagine my life without him in it.  I love him so much I'm totally willing to just accept him the way he is, I don't want to change him.  I guess I just can't sleep with him any more.

Mel totally thinks that when he's been here that he's been with a different ex girl friend.  She laid out her suspicions to me and I had no idea what to say.  Because...he was here not with the other girl, how could I tell her?  Maybe I should have, but again, I think it's up to Jason not me. GRRRRRR.  Why do I complicate my life so much?

Spent another weekend with the ummmmm...what do I call them really?  It's got to be the stangest dynamic I have ever experienced.  Of course she doesn't know what I thought she knew.  I thought she knew everything, but she doesn't.  Well I think she does but she's just in denial.  Her and I basically spent the entire weekend together.  Had dinner together on Friday, I taught whmis on saturday, and then her and I walked around so she could hand out resumes.  We went to the restaurant and Jason fed us, then Mel and I came back to my place and were nicely tankered.  By the time Jason rolled in her and I had pulled out all my high heels and make up and skirts and stuff and were prancing around like super model (or strippers).   I dressed up like an 80's teen age slut and she put on the grey pencil skirt.  Or what's left of it after the knife (it's totally in shreds now after Saturday) So we put on music, dance and sing.  act generally retarded.  There was some nudity.   But it's kind of like 10 year olds playing dress up and getting naked.

We had this big plan to get Jason naked and into a dress but of course he wouldn't go for it no matter how drunk he got.  We did take out all the jewellery  and decorate him like a christmas tree.  And he had to go to the beer store like that so that was almost as good.  He was dripping in blue rhinestones.  We've decieded that we can't inflict our kind of personal entertainment on the general public.  Nobody gets it.  So in the near future we have to behave ourselves and act normal personally I don't think it's possible.

So...I ran away from work yesterday because I was too upset to try and explain the sketch to my boss.  I spent a day at my friends house under the covers on the couch.  At 5 I was finally able to put my stuff into words and explain to my boss how I'm not actually at fault for all the shit he was yelling at me about.

Today is much better.

The night before, Tueday night was ummm interesting.  Me and mel got together to watch American Idol, then we went for a few drinks with our boyfriend.  I guess it was my night to be the girlfriend.  Some guy tried to weasel into our little circle, Jason then put the three of us on one side of the booth with Jason on the outside to keep any errant males from encrouching.  Too funny.  Because us girls make it totally clear that we are both with Jason and they might as well go away.  The guy invited us back to his place where we drank his wine, smoked his ciggs and left.  We came back to my place for more music, dancing and fun.  The funniest part of all this is that there is the assumption that we are a walking porn movie, in fact, we don't actually have sex together.  We just climb on each other as the feeling strikes.  We just have fun. Singing, dancing fun.